lost

for once, i reali duno wad to say.

i know i'm so gonna regret the decision i made, and the words i said.

but i reali duno any other solution le. i want to love him wholeheartedly. i dun want to have ken's name our 'my ex' popping out every few sentences. even if ross doesn't mind, i do.

i feel reali depressed now. i thought i had it all. with a guy that loved me so much.. so many thoughts are running through my head.. but mainly, 'what happens if he falls for another girl?' oh well.. all i can say is that i deserve it.

no other way.

wouldhestartignoringmefromnowon?wouldwestillbefrens?wouldhestilllovemethewayhedid?isheangryatme?wouldhetakemypicofhisfrienster(himpostingituprealimeantalottomelor)?wouldhestillmaketimeforme?amigettingparanoid? this is the whole mess of questions tt i'm thinking of right now.

you and i both know that my life is not worth living if i don't have you in it. wad's the point man?

huiling.. can u stop doing things on impulse and regretting it later a not? but i never.. i got think.*sigh* ya.. reduced to talking to myself now.

did u know he was sweet enough to jot down the dates that i was going to cambodia? *sobs* i'm reali not gonna have a good 2 months and 15 days.

i duno why, but suddenly i feel like we've got nothing to say anymore. nothing.

i thot tt this would last, and i'm still hoping it would. i'm so lost without you now. and ya, bet you're thinking, in the first place, why ask me to wait, right?

i duno. i totally don't.

God, i'm entrusting this whole thing into your hands. let not my will, but Yours be done. i'm so broken that i duno what i'm doing anymore.

being with you made me feel like a normal person, a person whom i can actually feel and love. especially when u made me feel so loved.

but right now?

i'm just lost and drifting.

i need answers, God. help me.

i love ross, i do. but i guess, like what he says, 'time will tell, and time will heal all wounds.'

a wise guy, i know. :) thank you for everything. i'll pray to God everyday, that you wouldn't leave me. but i can't be selfish, i know.

i want so much for u to brush my hair away from my face, to wipe away my tears, for u to look into my eyes and say u love me, to lie on ur lap and just be content, to watch u when u think, to hug you and get hugged in return, to feel ur arms around me, to feel ur lips against mine, to sit beside you and just stare out through ur window, to wake up beside you and know that i'm loved by you.. tt's all i want.

here's a song dedicated to you, ross baby..

Bryan Adams
Everything I do

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - Ya I'd die for you

Ya you know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you