looking back..

Sigh. Where to start? I also duno. Ken and I had a huge fight a few days back, and it lasted till 3am. But the problem is not resolved and we’re still both mad I guess. I’m mad because he’s still angry even though he says that the problem is solved, and he’s angry with me cause he thinks that I scolded him for nothing.

But I think I’m reali reali mad because he always says that I’m wrong. I’m always the one who has the wrong character, bad attitude, and everything about me is just, wrong. He even called me emo and used the F word on me. This time it was lesser than the last, but still. Haiz.

Everything he says hurt me so bad. And he says that he doesn’t want to call me every night le. Sigh. I always complain that he doesn’t spend enough time with me, and he doesn’t want to do anything about it. now, he even wants to cut down on our talk time. Why? He says talking to me is no fun anymore. his style of talking is that only if I have something to say then I say it, if not, don’t bother him with the “darling, you love me a not?” kind of thing. but, isn’t this what a relationship is about?

And I’m super upset also because its always up to him to decide. If he doesn’t wanna call me, its his decision. It affects me also, but who cares? Obviously not him right? I also duno what to do le la.

Yesterday I was so cut up about it that I didn’t sleep till 4 plus. And the worst thing? I couldn’t find anyone to talk to. Everyone I know would be asleep and who would wake up to answer my call? I called out to God, but I guess admist all the pain I was feeling, I totally couldn’t hear Him. I couldn’t express myself to Ken and I ended just hitting my fists against the wall. I was in total agony. I totally CANNOT get my point across to him. I cry everytime I think about it now. why? Why do I still put myself through all this? Am I to the point where I have to depend on him to make my life a happier one?

I used to be a happy person. We used to be so happy together. But now, our fights are getting worse, we’re drifting apart, and we’re barely hanging on by a thread. I want him to call me badly, to tell me that everything is all right, everything’s blown over, and he still loves me more than anyone in the world. But he says he has nothing to say to me, and if I call him, I wouldn’t know how to converse without starting a fight. We’re just STUCK.

I duno what to do. really. I’m just, so lost and sad and hurt right now, it feels as though I’m better off dead. How? Everyday, I’m just trying to numb the pain, saying that everything will work out, and I just gotta concentrate on getting over this day. That’s it. that’s the aim of my life now. Trying to get over each day. I have insomnia and I can’t get to sleep every night, but what am I supposed to do? I’m sick of him ignoring me, calling me and playing with me only when he has the time or the mood to, I’m not a plaything. I’m human, and I have a lot of feelings too. Someone, anyone, help?

I’m really tired of crying to sleep every night, and he doesn’t care if I’m dead or alive. It’s like, he can totally live without me like that. And I duno what to do, without him.