stagnant

first of all, i wanna thank the both of you for being there for me, reali. but there are reasons why i don't call you guys. u think i dun scroll down my hp list and see who's there to call? i do. but when i come to the both of ur names, i couldn't bring myself to call you, for various reasons.

ross, i don't call you because.. remember we fought about friends before? and ya, call me stubborn, prideful, whatever.. but i still believe that i can make it through, with or without frens. i've done it a thousand times before, and i believe that i can do it still. it hurts damn bad, but too bad for me. i've chosen that path, den i've gotta live with it. i've decided, if its my problem, i'll deal with it, huiling style. i'll come out stronger, better and more cynical of the world. but hey, its a growing process. so i've gotta learn it, that way. another reason is that i don't dare. i've fought with u over this before, and i'm not about to surrender and say that i am wrong. this whole thing is a 70-30 thing. i believe 70% that i can make it through, though 30% believes that with friends, i can make it through still.

to edith.. babe. i haven't always been there for you, and i feel bad calling you. because if i wasn't there for you, why should u be there for me? (: i know u'll say its ok, but that's not the point u see. its guilt. and i wouldn't want to trouble you with anything. like i said, i'll deal with it. i'll come to terms eventually. i'm strong. emotional, but strong. i know i can do it de.

but to the both of you. *hugs* thank you for offering your kind listening ears, and i too will be there for u all if u all should need me. to anyone of my frens who are reading this post now, i'll always always be there for u all. i'll pick up ur call, even if its at 3 plus 4 in the morning. but i don't expect the same of u. and i dun want u guys to do so. what's the use of wailing and complaining when the next day, the problem's still not gonna be solved? it's true that i rant and rave, but at the end of the day, i just wanna let my feelings out, somewhere. i've learnt, a long, long time ago, that the best way to get over something is just to numb urself, tolerate, and eventually, ignore. you'll get pass life this way. not the best way, but hey, it works.

yupyup. now, we're still cold to each other. but i still love him, with everything. don't ask me why. it's just called love. love wasn't easy to begin with. it requires sacrfice, tolerance, and a whole lot of communication. easier said than done, i can testify to that.

but this post is also to you God. thank you for being there throughout my life. i'm turning 20, and i am who i am now, because you wanted me to be so. thank you for Your promises and Your never-ending love. i know i can run to You, but i'm sorry that i tend to run the other direction. i run away from You, rather than towards You. thank you for speaking to me through the songs, through my quiet time with you. You never fail to work in my life. my life is Yours.

though i still rely on Ken, alot, but thank You for being there for me nonetheless. i'm Nothing, nothing without you.

once again, thank you to everyone. here's one of the songs that got me through, at least, for awhile.