thots

hi.. here to blog! (like duh.)

anw, i've got alot of emotions running through me now. sigh. i reali hope my baby doesn't mind me blogging about this (tell me if you do). i've always felt guilty about initiating the break-up with my ex. bcoz after all he did for me, i feel that he doesn't deserve to be treated this way. but if we reali continued on, i would end up even more hurt. thank God for ross, who was there for me when i was in the midst of all this confusion.

anyway, i had a good long talk with my cell leader today. it wasn't bad at all. in fact, i got to tell him alot of things that i was keeping to myself bcoz i duno who to tell all these to. haiz. but after everything, i think i still felt reali bad for breaking up with ken. it's like, at least i got my ross honey, but he doesn't have anybody to turn to. somemore he's a person that doesn't like lonliness, but he doesn't have much frens. he was very dependent on me de. den now, i'm like gone..

today when he was doing the games, i think he was reali alone and though i tried to talk to him, i think he still felt lost, and he didn;t want to talk to me, at all (he was super attitude. but who can blame him?). sigh. i reali wish i could do smth about it, but i couldn't. i couldn't get close to him(not that i wanted to), bcoz i already had my baby, and although i know he would understand, i didn't want to complicate matters. *sigh*

ken was so cold towards me, i didn't know wad to do. i felt like banging my head against the wall. but i was glad that alot of people, in fact, everyone tt talked to me, told me that ross was a better choice, which of coz! i agree wholeheartedly. i love u baby..

den, he asked me if he still stood a chance, through sms. my heart reali broke. coz i could see picture him so forlorn. but i cannot go back to him, bcoz if i do, it's onli out of pity, and it's attachment tt i feel for him, not love. i still cannot agree with the way he handles things, and his people around him and his way of thinking. but i just feel reali reali sorry. i cannot do anything about it, but it hurts me to know tt my fren is like that, and it was me who caused this hurt in him.

he and i were very good frens all the while, but now..

i'm so sorry ken. it's not easy for me also. if i could do something, anything, i would.

ross darling, i hope after reading this, u won't be mad at me. i know it was reali daring of me to actually have the audacity to blog about this, but i reali hope u'll stand by me during this period, and make me believe that i'm making the right choice in you. *sob* it's reali tearing me apart, but this is how i reali feel. if u want me to stop all this, and leave me now, den do so, or tell me. i won't blame you de. but thank you for spending this whole time with me. i reali appreciate you, alot.
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apart from that, i reali have to write about the charity show. we're so so blessed. people out there have leprosy, but i have the ability to play the piano, type on this keyboard, eat with my fingers.. my heart goes out to these people. my mum was commenting that my face was "glowing" while the guy whith leprosy was being shown and i told her, "i have flawless skin (for now) but the people out there have moles all over their face and that's the least of their worries". these people are so poor thing. they dun have any frens coz they're too pai seh to call them up and their families dun reali want to be troubled. and here i am, complaining to my darling about why am i studying, when these people cannot even have a chance to.

some have children who dun even want them. one case was that a lady's son cheated her and made her sign a paper that sold her house. den he fled to China. and her daughter cannot call her (or her bf doesn'tallow her to). and she's all alone now. haiz. wad's the point of living for them man? reali. if my life is screwed, their's is hell.

is it bcoz i'm emo now, and hence, i feel like crying and keep tearing, or is it bcoz my heart goes out to these less fortunate people i duno. but all i know is tt these people have it worse than me, and so i should reali treasure my life more, instead of forever complaining.

sigh.